Liz and TJ wed on a smokey Saturday

It was a smoky morning due to the neighboring county fire in the mountains of Polluck Pines. Being as far away as it was, the smoke was only a small hindrance to the morning, and tapered off by the early afternoon. Chairs were unfolded and put into rows, bunches of flowers cut and wrapped, seating charts written up until the last minutes upon guests arriving the grounds. A beautiful white dress hung over our heads as we bridesmaids bustled around, applying layers of makeup to our bare faces and sipping beers to keep our sanity. On went our marine blue maxi dresses. some of us wearing heels and some not, coral beaded necklaces adorned our chests. we filled every last second with chatty conversation, glossing lips, and batting eyelashes. We dolled up mother of the bride, in and out of two adjoined rooms we went, back and forth, laughing, tears showing up now and then, emotions running high. we kept things messy and last minute. Soon the minutes had vanished and it all started to come together. we stumbled out of the brides quarters and out into the garage. Moments later, she graced us with her beautiful presence, cameras flashing and smiles flying high, these are moments I want to remember. My best friend was about to walk down the aisle with me standing by her side. A truly exciting and whimsical day it was to be had. So delighted and honored to have been a part of the magic that glued this wonderful day together, and ended with two of my favorite people married, as they should be, forever and ever. Here's to you Lizzy and TJ Dowd! May your love stay true and happy till always, I am so excited to watch your family grow. Thank you for sharing your special day with me and my family, we had a blast.

2 months already

With those pretty blue eyes, that warm olive skin, and all those tiny little limbs, baby Oskar has completely stolen our hearts. Oh, and that fresh, soft, perfect baby scent, how much better can it get? These are the days I have been waiting for, long before I saw the plus mark on that pink pregnancy test. These are the best days, as trying as they may seem, they're all I've ever dreamt of. As many people had mentioned, with the goods, also comes the not-so-goods. Two weeks had gone by, and we went in for a check up a few days after O's circumcision. Between the four of us, we figured out that Oskar must have the acid reflux, unfortunately. So much vomit, and not baby spit-up, we are talking full on vomit, to my surprise- a tiny newborn can barf quite a lot, even if it is only breastmilk. That in itself is quite rough on mama and her boobs. We are getting along, as we have to, and like all things, this too will pass and get better and he will grow out of it hopefully by 8 months. Peter has had to work quite a bit due to some personnel changes at work. That has also been a bit of a challenge for me, as being alone for lengthy periods of time with a teeny human, who can only whimper and cry, seems to get a little lonely, and quite challenging at times. I must say, that these few things I've mentioned are just minute flaws in this lovely task of motherhood that I've so quickly and eagerly come to know and love. My little man is extremely amazing and teaches me new things every single day. I had no idea how strong of a woman I could be, both physically and mentally, until now. Sleep deprivation is a joke, until you have a newborn. I have new found respects for my elders, and my friends, and all of the mothers who do their job the best they can every single day. There is no giving up anymore, this is real time, and I adore every minute of it.  

Oskar Reed Looney

Oskar Reed

May 17th 2014 • 5:02 p.m.

6 lbs • 14 oz • 19 inches

He came into this world at what seemed like lightning speed, with a whopping total of twelve hours of fairly easy labor. It all began on a Saturday morning while I was laying in bed, 4:45 a.m., half asleep, and suddenly I felt as though I had peed my pants a little, and then a few seconds later, the next gush of liquid proved to be a lot more than just peeing my pants! As soon as I took in the full complexity of the situation my adrenaline started going crazy." Holy shit, it's happening," I kept saying to myself with the biggest of smiles on my face. I looked over to a passed out Peter and nudge him from a deep sleep telling him my water broke, with disbelief and shock on his face, it quickly sank in and we both got out of bed and started getting ready. I made a quick call to the hospital and they told me to just come right in since I was positive my water had already ruptured. Luckily, I had already packed my hospital bag. Also just the day before we cleaned out my car, washed it, and installed the car seat! Impeccable timing, considering we still had two weeks before our actual due date. Peter decided that he wanted to water the garden since we wouldn't be home for a few days, and I wasn't having any contractions yet. However, I did start to have some cramping, so I filled the bath with hot water, slowly and most carefully climbed in and let myself relax a bit before we left. The bath, confirming to be very calming and soothing to the anxiety I was feeling. I just sat there, in my tub, rubbing my belly and taking into full effect that soon, my baby boy would be here in my arms, and that my life-- our life as the two of us would suddenly be very, very, different. A funny fact--knowing the entire time of my pregnancy, was that I would actually go into labor early. Those last few days, it would only seem right, that the both of us were absolutely ready and our bodies finished with this incubation. My skin so tight,and my belly so bulging, sooo low, so much pressure and discomfort. This entirety of our journey together was slowly, yet to my surprise, very quickly coming to an end. So Bittersweet. After relaxing for a little while in the warm water and trying not to freak out, Peter helped me out of the tub and I dressed my swolen body one last time, taking a few last pictures, capturing a giddy grin and excited eyes, I was all together. We straightened up the house a bit. We gave Teagan a kiss goodbye, and we left the house for the last time as a family of two. It all seemed like a dream.

On the way to the hospital we smiled as we took pictures and had some laughs about how early it was for him to be coming, and how we just really couldn't believe it was finally happening. After getting to the hospital, the nurses wasted no time getting me settled into my room. It was about 8 o'clock by that time. We met my nurse Barb, who throughout the entirety of my labor and delivery was absolutely amazing and took the most delicate care of us. She was one of the main reasons I can look back and say Oskar's birth was a pleasant experience. When we first areived at the hospital, the general flow of things didn't seem to be very busy, but as the day went on, the entire wing of L&D filled up. After getting familiar with Barb, I changed into my hospital gown and she hooked me up to the monitors to see what was happening inside my belly. By then I started to have small contractions that weren't very strong, but the fact that the contractions had started on their own at all was an achievement in itself...no pitocin! Yes! Then she checked to see if I was dilated, which, was one of the most painful parts of the whole experience all together, because Oskar's head was already so low. I was dilated to 2!and 90% effaced! Barb told us to go walk laps around the L&D wing, to see if that might progress my contractions a bit. so we did, and boy did that speed things up. By about noon I was at 4 centimeters, and with a few more laps, around two o'clock I was dilated to six. By this time, my contractions were very, very, intense and strong, and it was by far the craziest, scariest, most terrible pain I'd ever felt! It makes me want to cry even thinking about it. Peter did all he could to help me and keep my spirits up; including being used as a human crutch to hold me up during those horrid contractions. So I opted to go for the epidural. I was not upset or disappointed with myself at all, I was proud of myself, and ready to get some relief, and try to enjoy the rest of the experience as much as I could. The epidural was a little scary itself, but I got through the procedure and good lord was I happy when it started to kick in. One side of my body got a little more numb than the other but it was enough to ease the terrible pain of those contractions. I could still feel them, but they were not intense, and I could breath through them, I think I even got a few minutes of sleep in.

By 4:15, the last time she would check me, I was already dilated to 10 and minutes later, I was ready to push! The delivery team came into the room, prepared the side room for Oskar's arrival, with the bassinet, and any machines or instruments they might need for extra medical intervention. Things were ready. It was serious time. It was time to do what I had thought about for months. Time to Push this baby out. Holy shit balls. Peter grabbed one leg, a nurse grabbed the other. Barb told me when to push and how long to hold it, and Peter gave me words of encouragement in between. At a certain point when the baby's head was crowning, my doctor had made it into the room ready to finish the delivery "He's got dark hair, but not tons!" I heard Barb say. After about forty minutes of pushing, his head wasn't "coming around the corner" as they said, and my doctor informed me she would be performing an epesiotomy on me, as Oskar's heartbeat had dipped down very low and he needed to come out now (they told me those scary details afterwards) So with that little incision, two pushes later, I felt Oskar's head come though, and heard the nose suction thing, a few quiet chokes, and then the first cry of my baby, 'HE'S REAL!' I remember thinking, 'I JUST DID THAT', even in my foggy, tired state, I remember the rest of his body being gently taken from mine (crazy feeling) and held up for me to see, he was pink and blue and shiny. Peter cut the cord and then they laid him on my chest. I remember looking at Peter and saying, 'oh my god' and bursting into tears and just completely in shock, my little human was finally here and right in front of my eyes, I didn't know what to do other then brush his little face, give him a kiss and cry. They took him away, back to the little room where they did his apgar test and helped him transition into our world a bit, as he was pretty stressed out from being stuck in my pelvis.

I remember looking over at Peter again, and he had been crying too, and both of us just looked at each other in amazement, and I remember saying 'holy shit babe' and him nodding his head, and saying 'Yeah, whoa..." (In a good/holy shit that just happened sort of way) For a few scary seconds I wondered why I hadn't heard him cry yet and I asked Peter why we hadn't heard him and my doctor heard me And she yelled over to the team and right quickly after that we heard his little cries again, and they shouted out his weight to us. The nurses got him all wrapped up and ready to be with me. Peter took pictures. I was happy to know that he would not be leaving my sight for the remainder of the night, until tomorrow when they took him for his bath and screening. The doctor and nurses fixed me all up. I was helped to the bathroom and then we were headed upstairs to our post-partem quarters. Our room was nice, and all to ourselves. Over the next two days we slept, healed, learned how to nurse, choked down hospital food, and got to know each other as a family. I met a side of my boyfriend that I had always dreamt about, an amazing, carefully sweet side of him, that came with natural ability to be a wonderful daddy and comfort our little baby boy. Like it was always there lying dormant. The whole time, we just kept saying that it didn't feel real, and that everything had happened so fast, and his birth was so early and unexpected, but we knew all along how real it was, and we accepted it, and embraced it with the fullest of hearts and open minds and enjoyed every single second of it, even the painful seconds, because it was a pain with a gain, the most wonderful gain anyone could ever imagine possible. It was the Most amazing, fulfilling, REAL, like really fucking real, eye opening experience of my life. I have new appreciation for women, and myself. I did it. We did it. I have my family. We are healthy and happy and trying our best to keep up with our new tiny human machine. We are so in love, and so excited for our future. Thank you for all of the sweet, kind words and well wishes to us!

36 weeks & 5 days

Yesterday I went in to my OB for my 36 week appointment, and as I knew it, all was well. Even though I have all of this discomfort and all around shitty lethargic mind state, Dr. Juhn assured me that it is all normal, and that all of the pressure and sharp pains mean that my body is progressing towards labor. In the back of my mind I wanted her to say that she was concerned and that she'd check me and admit me and Oskar would be coming soon but I know it is better that he comes later than sooner. So for now, Oskar is nice and healthy and comfy in my belly. My appointments will be weekly now that I am three weeks away from our official 'due date'. Next week she told me that she would start checking my cervix to see if I am dilated at all. So I look forward to next Friday's appointment! Lets hope it brings good progressive news.

 On the bright side, I am so thankful that I have had the past two weeks off of work to get everything prepared for baby, and Peter and I too. Now we just need to get the car seat installed, and make arrangements for Teagan while we are away at the hospital. On Monday we have our tour appointment at 7 p.m. in Roseville at the hospital where I will be delivering. A lot of people keep asking me how I plan on having my baby. I am really hoping and trying to prepare for the most natural approach to labor and delivery as I can. It is pretty important to me to try and bare through the contractions without giving into an epidural, but if it happens-- then it happens and I am not going to beat myself up about it. I have moments of doubt and extreme nervousness about the pain, and then I remember that it is coming no matter what, that women have done this forever, my body is made for it and I CAN do it. I have so many friends who are first time mom's and some who are second time moms, so I have been lucky enough to soak up tons of great advice and information from not only women who I know I can trust, but also women who I can relate to. Of course I could listen to the advice my mother gives me, and my elders, but so many things change between now and then, and I am grateful for it, but I feel a great relief in taking in the advice of my fellow generation.

 All in all, to be down right honest though, I am pretty sick of talking to people in general. Anywhere I go, it's all about staring at my stomach with wide eyes, and asking if I was due a week ago with twins, or the other day a particularly rude lady had the nerve to ask if I was having triplets and if I was overdue. Really? Needless to say I just had to turn the other way and leave the situation before I became hostile. Through this whole experience I have learned a lot about people and how strongly they stick to their own feelings and opinions towards certain subjects, how forceful women can be about giving advice, how absolutely rude people a.k.a strangers are capable of being, and how the entire generation of older people must think that all first time mom's are just straight up idiots who have no clue what is going on with their own bodies or the current life around them. Some of my favorite 'tips' that were so kindly yet strongly expressed to me have been, to not have the baby around a cat litter box (Actually! I was thinking of using one as a bassinet), to wash the baby's clothes before the baby wears them (What newborn doesn't love that chemically starchy feeling on their brand new skin!?), to make sure my dog doesn't attack my baby (Crap, I was hoping to just give Oskar to Teagan as a nice human chew toy), to put rice in the baby's milk (No thank you, I'd rather my baby not eat a worthless grain that will only turn into sugar once in my baby's stomach, cool, hooked on white sugar already!), to make sure the baby stays warm (Hmm really? Baby can't sleep outside barefoot? Shoot.) I could really go on and on, but I wont. I guess I am just all too ready to be done being pregnant. I cannot wait to have my body back to myself, even if it is a new flabbier, tired version of myself! Just knowing the promise of an ice cold beer in my hand, a lighter load to carry around and the river at my not swollen anymore feet in three weeks is SO AMAZING. I can not believe that my 'due date' is only three weeks away and that I will have gone through almost a year of being pregnant. Nine plus months of feeling so many highs and lows, so many emotional  breakdowns, acne, skin spots, bleeding, ER trips, stupid fights with my poor boyfriend, leg cramps, ever growing boobs, debilitating tiredness, gut wrenching nausea, food aversions, cravings for all things bad i.e. donuts, cake, chocolate milk, captain crunch, corn dogs, hearty dinners, salt etc., migraines, bad vision, seeing spots, insomnia, swollen limbs, cramps, gas, extreme bloating, itchy skin, ridiculous and never ending constipation, and the list goes on.

In between all of those unpleasant parts I just named, there is also a big list of good parts to this whole experience too and I absolutely would never ever trade it for anything! In the past nine months I have created my very own little human being who will be MINE to keep forever and ever. He came from my own blood and flesh and a little bit of Peter's too ;) He lived inside of my body, which I think is absolutely crazy. I got to witness on a screen the very first few weeks his little heart started to work. So many incredible moments to remember. I will have a little best friend who I get to provide for and take the utter most proper care for. I get to shape this little tiny boy into someone that I can call perfect in my own awesome way. I've learned from the paths of my parents, what I want to instill in his life, and what I most definitely don't. This is probably the biggest and most important opportunity in my life to succeed and contribute to the world, and to fulfill my own hopes and dreams, and most importantly to make sure that I can fulfill his little hopes and dreams too. I get to create my very own little man, who I hope will grow into a strong little gentleman. So many amazing things are about to happen and I can't even begin to express how ecstatic I am to be the leader on this journey. I am so proud of myself. In the beginning it seemed like such an unreachable task to complete, forty weeks seemed like an eternity. Some days, it felt like it too. Now, my countdown on the app on my phone shows less than a month, my baby compares to a watermelon, the latest symptoms should be discomfort, swollen feet and contractions- contractions?! The belly diagram shows what looks to be a baby the size of a toddler still growing in my womb, my list of things to do are none except relax and enjoy these last days as an almost parent, and if my baby came in to my life now, he'd be OK, and that is music to my ears :) I would blabber and boast more about how much I love and appreciate Peter too, but I feel that deserves its own post at some point soon. Because, he is amazing and deserves at least that.

I think I will leave on that note, because I am tired of writing and because I am tired. 

The end!
xoxo -L

Photo timeline

Here are a few photos from the time I was newly pregnant until about a week ago.

First week of knowing I was pregnant,

about 5 weeks along. 

Seaside Oregon visiting family & friends,

was in my best friends wedding,

enduring the worst of my morning sickness & fatigue

about 9 weeks along.

First appointment & ultrasound @ 7 weeks 5 days,

our little blob.

 Prental screening ultrasound, passed it with flying colors!

13 weeks along.

Christmas approaching, 

the baby bump snuck up on me and popped out pretty quickly,
now I wasn't just bloated, but actually 'showing' :)

18 weeks along.

 January came and we got a two second glimpse of our little gummy bear's precious parts,

it's a boy! :) 

21 weeks along.

Our little alien 

 Profile :)

 bump @ 24 weeks

 Us @ 24 weeks

 bump @ 25 weeks

bump @ 26 weeks

 Morning time bump @ 26 weeks

My good friend Heather and I at work last week,

we are about seven weeks apart, she is due early April and I am due late May...

So crazy to see how people and their bodies react to pregnancy so differently.

Heather is having a girl, and you can tell she is carrying a lot higher than me.

26 weeks.

New things

For the last eight months I have been living at my grandparents house, due to the three month break-up Peter and I endured last May. When I moved out of the house I was sharing with Peter and his younger brother Mark, they had another roommate move into the spare room to help save money. When Peter and I were steadily dating and back together once again, we both decided it would be better if I waited to move in until Mark and the other roommate moved out. So, I waited, and it seemed like an eternity for me, being that I was pregnant this whole time and wanting to be in my own place to plan and nest. Finally the other roommate moved out at the end of December and February rolled around, which meant I could move in again! No more longing for my own place to belong and feel at ease and just be myself. Took a huge load of stress off of my mind, and everyday struggles of trying to carry on a comfortable life living out of a small bedroom at my grandparents house, where I felt confined and irritated on a daily basis. Such a relief! My mood has changed so much, and I can do a lot more with my energy now. It was a rough start, having to clean up after three guys who were the least bit concerned about having a clean house for eight months. I will not go into details. I definitely got some exercise from my massive overtaking of cleaning journeys throughout the house. Luckily I found some good cleaning products that are natural and safe for me to use, because if I couldn't do this myself, it just wouldn't be how I wanted it to be, or up to my standards I should say. Peter and I still share the same schedule mostly with our days off being wednesdays and thursdays together and then I also have fridays off. Three day breaks from work are nice and allow me the time to be productive around the house, as well as to spend quality time with Peter. We have a tremendous amount the work to do around the house still before baby comes and that is the next mound of stress that my mind has taken upon itself. Slowly but surely we will get it done. My main focus being on getting our wood floors done by the time we have our baby shower in April, which is a month and half away now--crazy. Second point of focus would be getting our backyard decent looking enough for the shower, and the third priority being baby Oskar's room. Though, I cannot worry too much about it right now, only because Mark is still living here and I can't exactly force him to move out onto the couch, nor do I want to. So, Oskars room will have to wait until about mid April after Mark moves out. I am not too concerned with it though, all we have to do is paint the walls, clean the carpets, and set up the furniture that we wont have until after the baby showers anyway. I plan on his nursery being very simplistic, thrifty, and modern. No themes, except for simplicity itself. I want it to be a room where I can hang out too and feel comfortable. I want it to be something that he can grow into, and we wont have to transform it as he goes through the many stages of boyhood. We want to incorporate a lot of greenery into the room as well, Pete is really excited to find just the right plants to place in just the right spots. I've decided its best for me, and my wallet to stop buying stuff for Oskar and let everyone else do that for me. I'll be waiting for my showers and after, if certain things are still needed I can then go shopping. I am really excited to check out 'Between friends', a huge consignment sale for all stuff baby and toddler that is held every April at the fairgrounds in Roseville. Everything from clothing, to furniture, to breast pumps and toys. All used, yet all in very good condition. I've heard about it for a few years, but had no reason to go obviously. Okay, enough about Oskars room. So far moving back in has been fairly easy, and I have enjoyed it. Being able to wake up in my own house, in my bed that I share with my man, to look over my shoulder and see my dog whining in my face for me to feed her in the morning is the greatest thing, something that I will never take for granted, ever again! Our house is so bright, and so comfy, I am at ease, I am in my own realm again, and it feels so awesome. I love cleaning my kitchen. I love making my bed. I love folding my clean laundry and hearing my bird chirp back at me while doing so. I love being able to spend my mornings with Peter, taking a shower and getting ready in my bathroom, having him around me is such a treat. Waking up to his hand across my swollen belly is the best feeling. Getting this chance to create our own little family is the most amazing gift I could ever ask for and getting the ability to now savor every moment of it is my goal from morning till I close my eyes at night. I used to take all of these little things that make up so much of what my life really is, for granted. My resolution for this year is to live life in a more simple matter. To not worry about the smaller things in life that take up so much energy and time (money, materialistic things, people) and focus on the bigger picture, the big things that really do matter, like waking up alive and healthy next to my man, while my little boy squirms around in my tummy, that I am creating!!! Such an amazing thing to be able to say that I created a human. Life as of right now is pretty great, there are everyday triumphs that by no means are a breeze to ignore, but trying to not let them ruin my day is something that I am working on and doing well at so far. Well I should close my eyes and sleep, we have more moving of my things tomorrow, more cleaning and more enjoying life to do. 

that is all for now,
l i n d s a y

pregnancy up to date

I am currently 22 weeks and 5 days pregnant. My due date is and has continued to stay at May 31st 2014 since my very first doctor visit and ultrasound. On January 13th we found out that we are expecting a little boy. We are still searching and tossing some names around and as soon as we make a final decision I will definitely post it on here! As for how I am feeling- so far, so good. In the beginning I definitely had morning sickness, (it should be called 'all the time sickness') and I was extremely tired all the time. That lasted till about the 15th week, and then tapered off pretty quickly. I am three weeks away from going into my third trimester already! Time seemed to take SO LONG at first, and now it seems to be going faster and faster. I am starting to feel fatigued in the mornings again, and especially after a day of work now. I am currently working at the restaurant still as a bartender/server, pulling 4-5 shifts a week. As long as my pregnancy keeps going well, I plan to keep working as much as I can until my body or my doctor wont let me anymore. The little man likes to kick and roll around a lot during the day, I don't notice him much at night, but he's still so little at this point, I'm sure that will change! Right now according to my BabyCenter weekly update he should be about ten inches long from head to toe and weigh just over a pound. When we had our last ultrasound done, he measured normal size and seemed to be healthy and happy. Well it is late and I think that is all for now, I will post more soon and pictures too.

..l i n d s a y..